Yesterday was the first time in a long while that I rolled out my yoga mat. To be honest, it was the first time this year. From practicing almost daily to not at all happened gradually and then abruptly and I suddenly found myself mumbling something inaudible whenever my husband would suggest practicing together. I didn’t want to talk about it or think about it, either.
And it was weird, in the few moments that I, in fact, did think about it, to think that I wasn’t just uninterested but almost repulsed from practicing like two magnets pushing apart.
Ashtanga yoga was great for me because of the routine. It was an opportunity to check in and have a little set of measures for body and mind, and I loved practicing at home. Moving with my breath has been one of my favorite meditations and as for someone who doesn’t sit still very well has eased me into stillness too. But one of the many cons for me was that, I think, it slowly became more about the poses and instead of checking in, I judged my performance. The framework of the set routine turned into rigidity and made it impossible for me to not judge whatever I observed, and that in turn affected my mind.
But taking a break and doing something pretty unusual for me, not pushing, was just what I needed. I don’t know why I’m always pushing. But these past couple of months have been one long lesson in learning that resting actually may not only be necessary but also give the actual pushing more effort and energy. And I do know that when I did roll out my mat, it was a completely different experience. The whole fifteen minutes that it lasted.
I’ve not consciously been working on changing my mindset, but by making more space for rest it has sort of changed in the background.
I think the biggest lesson over the past few months have been that things aren’t statical. Because I don’t want to do yoga today, doesn’t mean that I won’t tomorrow. If I don’t feel good today, I won’t feel bad forever. But also, on the other hand being more present in those good moments that aren't forever either. Really just realizing the simple thing; that there’s no getting there, only these impermanent moments of now.